On December 31, 2017, New Year's Eve we had a little celebration planned with our family at home. As the night progressed we started noticing some strange behaviors from our daughter Jackie, with Down Syndrome. Quickly her behaviors worsened and then she became violently ill. All through the night I dealt with puking and diarrhea. We did not sleep a wink. The next morning I told Nick we needed to bring her in the Ambulatory Care. It was New Year's Day and there we were sitting at the emergency room.
They diagnosed her with Influenza A and prescribed Tamiflu. I started her immediately on the medicine. She continued to be sick and by the second day of medicine she started acting violently, compulsively, throwing things, destroying things. We were awake all through the night and Jackie was acting as if she needed an excorcism. It is hard to explain the radical change in her personality. I was so tired that in exhaustion I dozed off only to awaken to her bedroom totally destroyed.
The next morning I called her doctor and they told us to bring her into the emergency room because it sounded as if she was having a bad reaction to the Tamiflu. We went to the ER and they confirmed this notion and prescribed Xanax to settle her down until we could her into her regular doctor. I saw on the news reports of other people experiencing this reaction with Tamiflu!
The Xanax helped, but she still acted strangely for many hours later. Going into that night Jackie still did not sleep much and in my exhaustion I felt myself going into a deep, dark place. All through that night I felt a heavy oppression. A darkness that I have never felt before in all my life. It was so heavy and depressing. I felt as if I were condemned. I felt that God had left me. I cried out to Him, but could not feel His presence any longer. I felt He abandoned me. I felt myself slipping into a deep, dark wet pit. I felt myself despairing. I heard horrible whisperings of satan of how horrible I was. Then suddenly, I heard in my spirit...
"Do not despair. That is what Judas did. Do not despair!"
It is truly hard to relate just how despairing this situation was. But, throughout it all I cried out to Jesus. Even though I felt that He had left me, I knew in my heart that He had not. In the morning the darkness I was feeling began to lift. However, I felt as if in a fog for a couple days later. I kept turning on all the lights in the house because I felt like I couldn't get enough light in my eyes. It was then impressed upon me to ask my mother to start praying everyday the prayer to our Blessed Mother, Untier of Knots. The oppression was so thick, like a thick, dark cloud. I myself had a hard time praying. It took fervent prayers by my mother to break up the darkness.
After the experience was over, I felt a little numb for some days later. I sensed the Lord tell me that satan attacked me heavily. What was truly amazing was I told my sister what happened and she stated that she went through something similar to this. However, not quite as severe. It was impressed upon me that satan knew that I was already weak and exhausted (having not slept for 2 days) with Jackie's sickness and he was kicking me while I was down. It was also impressed upon me that I was allowed to feel this darkness for this is the type of darkness that the world is fast descending into. People will cry out... "Give me Jesus!".
I sensed the Lord telling me that He was pleased how I did not despair throughout this darkness, but still called out to Him. I never gave up on Him. I continued to reach out to Him. I knew without a doubt that Jesus is my everything! I said that many times. He is absolutely Everything!
This is an experience that I will never forget. I have had it impressed upon me that people are going to feel this type of darkness in this ever-darkening world and that I will understand and can be a comfort to others in their despairing hearts. For this is how it will be. It will be easy to despair, but we need to know that even though we feel that God has left us, He will never leave us, nor forsake us. We are to hold onto this absolute truth.
A few weeks or so later I was amazed that I came across a woman who had also experienced what I did and she said that there are others that have experienced this. I sensed from the Lord that He allowed this for me not as a punishment, but to help me realize just how dark it will get. So dark, that we will fear that He has left us. However, continue to call out to Him for He will never leave us no matter how much we feel so. We have to get past our feelings, emotions and know that no matter what happens He will always be near.
I did not even want to post about this for this memory is painful. But, I felt nudged heavily to do so. To continue to tell my story.
No matter what happens reach out to Him!
Have Faith in Him!
God Bless
